it’s probably hormonal

I’ve never had “regular” hormonal cycles, but I could always tell a few days before I started bleeding because everything suddenly seemed unmanageable and I’d cry for hours for no compelling reason (even by my standards).  I am hopeful that this is what began happening this week. I am fearful that I won’t last until my partner gets home from a trip abroad.

Actually, my intense anxiety about the accident and hospital bills had mostly supplanted my otherwise crippling depression. Making for a horrible but novel experience of the world in which everything was unsafe/terrifying but at least I was focused on *not* dying or being hurt by these things. My usual mode is kind of the opposite.

The thing about depression is that anything from hormones to a bad few nights’ sleep to working 30 hours at a service job where people are basically ass holes to you and confirm that your personhood is worth less than your staff attire, anything can set it off.

So I’m hoping a good cuddle with my cat, good nights sleep, maybe starting my period, and a shower can help put this beast back in the box. I don’t have much if any hope that anything else can.

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